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LaciLeBlanc
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Name: Laci
Birthday: 6/10/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: My interests include any musical activity, favourite thing to do is go to some performance of some sort. My interest lies mostly in all of the arts. I like hanging out with friends as well.
Expertise: Expertise? I wouldn't label myself as an expert at anything.....................yet.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  LaciHeartsTeamM
Member Since:
3/3/2005
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| I really, utterly, heartbreakingly miss Ashlee. I want her in my life. She has no idea how much I've missed her these past three years. I need to see her. Because I am completely in control of my life now, I will see her within the next year. I will go visit her using the money I earn from working at SuperCamp. She was a person who changed my life forever, and I want her back in my life. More than anything. She is my very best friend. Please God, help me with this. | | |
| I regret that I have not been recording my experiences regularly. I am succeeding in my task to find adventure in Waco. I have found adventure in myself. My schoolwork and practice have been satisfactory, but I know I can achieve better. Unfortunately, I experience moments where I relapse and succumb to hedonistic escapism. Unfortunately, I experience moments where I relapse and succumb to derogatory self-talk. However, I am proud to be my own hero that continues to save me from that abhorrent dark pit of self-loathing. I am the only one who can save me from that place.
I have not yet mentioned this here: I have decided to go to Germany for the International Instrumental Competition. This year the Competition features the oboe and trombone. Four rounds, eight solos. Trombonists from all nations under 30 years old are encouraged to perform and compete. Applications are accepted on a first come, first serve basis. I emailed, and applications are already being accepted. Application fee: 100 euros. Passport application fee: around $90. This event is happening in May. I am going.
For at least three years or so now I have been restricting my abilities as a musician. I allowed fear of failure or incompetence to cripple me. No longer. I broke that barrier a month ago. I will actively become the trombonist that I was always meant to be.
Last week I participated in a ropes course and climbed a rock wall. My choice to enroll in Baylor's Recreation Leadership and Challenge course is perhaps the most rewarding choice I have made thus far this semester. I climbed a rock wall for the first time on Tuesday. Although this was only a smaller indoor rock wall within our gym, the climb and experience remained substantial. I am extremely eager to do this again on a higher structure, a real structure, a real mountain. These events allow me to show myself and others what I am. I am an incredibly strong and inspiring person because I inspire myself to be greater. On September 28, I am scheduled to take my belay class to become Belay Certified. In October, I will begin outside classes to become a licensed Facilitator for Baylor's Challenge Course. This means that I get paid for being awesome after I am taught how to be awesome. This Saturday, after I am officially registered to attend, I will be going on a Caving trip to Austin with Baylor Outdoor Adventure for only $30. Although I have been living well below my means to save for my trip to Germany, I chose not to sacrifice this opportunity.
I dream of a life of stories. This motif appears several times in my handwritten journal as well as my online musings. I want stories my friends can tell their grandchildren about. A real life of adventure and success. This will be Laci's life.
Although I treasure my skydiving experience within all of my being, I know that I can go further. I hope for a solo skydive experience within the next 16 months, and perhaps even acquire my "A" class skydiving license.
I want to go on a whitewater rafting trip with my Uncle. I know Uncle Scott has perhaps spent his whole life wanting adventure, and I will share that with him.
I want to buy a digital camera to record my life. I never want to forget any moment of achieved greatness or new caliber of bravery.
I am still not sure about whether or not to get my eyebrow pierced. I have not yet gathered the necessary information as this goal has not been as important as my other ones.
I want to climb a mountain. A real, whole mountain.
I want to be world-traveled. I have not truly seen a world outside of the United States, yet I know there are many. As much as I love National Geographic, I want to see the world outside of informed documentaries and excellent photography. I want to travel, and I want to travel often. I will find a way to do this at least once every 18 months. So, when I land back in the US after my adventures in Germany, I will have 18 months to decide where I'm going next, and how I'm going to get there. I am already 19 years old. I wanted to be 18 forever, but now I'm 19 against my will. Soon after Germany, I will be 20. This Is It!
I want to learn how to cook. This is a most efficient and creative way to return favors. This weekend Brian and I cooked ribs at my apartment. A person who knows how to cook well is valuable and favorable. The ribs were fantastic!
I want to become bilingual. I have chosen German in preparation for my upcoming trip. Previously, I have shied away from the immense commitment of learning another language, convincing myself to be quite content with English. However, upon serious thought, I believe that because I have the ability and opportunity to become proficient in German, I would regret passing that by. Although I do not anticipate fluency by May or Die Mai, I want to understand and construct basic comprehension.
Most importantly, I want friends with a same yearning for adventure and greatness. I want friends who spur me forward in my life. I want friends who make me better. I want friends who believe in me. I want friends who say, "Laci, I am so proud of you." I want friends who tell me, "Laci, what an awesome idea, let's go for it!"
I have so much planning to attend to. But a life of stories and greatness is worth all the work in the world.
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| I have never been a huge fan of goals; mostly because they require a real commitment that once inspired hesitation and reluctance. What if something happens? What if I change my mind? What if I just don't make it happen? What if I forget about it?
I am afraid of this no more. I know that my power of commitment has increased intensely. That barrier of Self-Doubt is broken, and I am committed to remember this. If one of my goals does not happen, I ask myself, "Self, why didn't this happen?" and "What can you do in the future to make it happen?" No more of this crazy beating myself up and punishing myself. It seems as if I should have learned this a long time ago, everything slides itself into place now. I have finally learned that scolding myself and berating my consciousness with negativity NEVER helps. EVER! Not at all. Until now, I did not grasp completely how self-destructive such behavior has been in my life. Even if my choice of action has been detrimental to my life, the choice to allow this inner verbal abuse would destroy all hope of restoration and improvement. That state of tearing myself into worthlessness with unspoken and pejorative remarks is NEVER appropriate. Even if somehow I chose to get completely wasted with drugs, have unprotected sex and get knocked up, and get arrested for impulsive shoplifting, intrapersonally assaulting myself could not be justified, because in choosing to do so I imagine that I would destroy myself. No matter what horrible scenario occurs as a result of my choices, I do not deserve to be spoken to that way by anyone, including myself. Thankfully, my choices have not resulted in such horror, and my life is moving forward. I have pressed "play" on my life.
There is nothing to fear for me.
Goals upon my arrival to Waco:
- Make a new friend by the end of the week. Saturday, August 29, 2009.
- Call recommended piercing shop and merely ask questions about eyebrow piercing by the end of the week. Saturday, August 29, 2009.
- Find at least 3 valid websites with information about traveling to Europe cheaply by the end of the week. Saturday, August 29, 2009.
- Go out dancing AT LEAST one night a month. August is taken care of, but please note one night a month is the MINIMUM.
- Purchase SuperCamp merchandise from QLN before finals week at the end of the semester.
- Talk to Pops about a regular payment plan for housing, books, and fees by the end of today. Though he has not required payment, try to get him to accept to show him that I am able to take Ownership for my situation and pay off any future bills and loans that are certain to hold me responsible in my adult life.
- Schedule an appointment with every one of my new teachers and discuss my plans with them. This is to be done by Wednesday, September 2, 2009.
- Take. The. Step.
- Learn how to cook. Try a new recipe at least every two weeks.
- Call a yoga studio by the end of the week. Saturday, August 29, 2009.
- Apply to be a SuperCamp TL as soon as the option becomes available online.
- Find some way to step into the Learning Zone everyday.
- Climb the rock wall in the SLC at least once by October 31, 2009.
- Remember to remember.
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| Yesterday I returned from a sudden trip to Haughton, LA. My great-grandfather had surgery for a hernia last week, and my mother and I sped up there to take care of him for, what we hoped, a couple of days. We left on Tuesday and he did not let us come home until yesterday. He was quite needy and grouchy. Even though we both love him, by Saturday our patience was completely gone. I am so glad to be home.
Bruce had sent me a facebook message while I was away informing me that he had talked to Don Lucas about me and that he would like me to contact him. I had met Mr. Lucas last February at TMEA. He was in charge of the booth selling Shires trombones and I opted to play around a little. I practiced for a little while on the Shires horn and apparently Mr. Lucas was impressed enough to speak to me and even give me an ultra mini-lesson. He was one of the kindest, friendliest people I have ever met. He spoke to me and told me that I should think about BU for grad school. He gave me his card and told me to contact him anytime. I remember feeling quite pleased that he seemed to like me so much.
Apparently Bruce told Mr. Lucas that I had no intentions of remaining at Baylor. I emailed Mr. Lucas immediately after I read the facebook message. A few hours later Mr. Lucas replied with his phone number asking me to call him because he wanted to talk to me about trombone.
When I read this email, I suddenly felt waves of hope and happiness washing away my anxiety and despair that has plagued me the entire summer. I might be a trombone player after all. My state throughout the summer has been a tortured one. Many nights I prayed for death because I knew I could never live with the failure of betraying myself and giving up on music. I do not believe I had ever loathed my life to that degree, ever. I even experienced curious pangs of guilt for crimes or actions that I have not participated. Just last week my as my mother was discussing people she knew from high school who had destroyed themselves through drugs or theft and had been thrown in prison. As she spoke, I felt stabs of guilt as if I had done those things. I have never taken drugs or shoplifted or been arrested. When I watched that stupid show on MTV with my mom called "16 and Pregnant", I felt guilt as if I ruined my life by secretly getting pregnant and harboring a bastard baby somewhere. And yet, I have never participated in sexual intercourse! I do not understand why I began to feel this way, but it felt absurd and awful.
However, after reading Mr. Lucas' email, the terrible and angry invisible hand that seemed to be clutching my throat from the inside out vanished. A blanket of hope engulfed me, and I felt a happiness and easiness return from a far off and foggy place. Though still uncertain of my near future and I had no idea where I will be a year or six months from now, I knew that I would be alright. Wherever I was, I would be a trombonist.
I called Mr. Lucas today. He told me that he had heard that I did not have plans to remain at Baylor and asked me if I was still planning to continue with music. When I told him "yes" he said, "Good, that's what you need to be doing. I wanted to speak to you mainly to encourage you to please continue with music. I know I didn't hear much of your playing at TMEA, but I was very impressed with you." I told him "thank you so much", my voice dripping with gratitude. He then asked me if I was totally set on Indiana or if I was still keeping some options open. I told him that I was interested in any options available to me. He told me that BU currently needed trombonists and although it was quite late in the year, he would be willing to speak to BU and see if admission was possible to me for the spring. He said, "I would love to teach you." I told him that I was honored and indeed interested. He said, "Good, well then I'll speak to BU and we'll see what we can do for you. I'll keep in touch with you and you'll be hearing from me soon."
Don Lucas is the current president of the International Trombone Association. He is a well-known pedagogue and has connections to every professional trombonist in the world. I am certainly glad I know him.
I am totally uncertain as to whether plans to attend Boston University are possible. However, I am certain that I am willing to fight my parents to be a student of Don Lucas. | | |
| Quasimodo: "So many times out there
I've watched a happy pair
of lovers walking in the night
they had a kind of glow around them
it almost looked liked heaven's light
I knew I'd never know
that warm and loving glow
though I might wish with all my might
no face as hideous as my face
was ever meant for heaven'd light
But suddenly an angel has smiled at me
and kissed my cheek without a trace of fright
I dare to dream that she might even care for me
and as I ring these bells tonight
my cold dark tower seems so bright
I swear it must be heaven's light"
Oh, Quasimodo, I know, for we are both the King of Fools.
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